The Bachelor: Willy Nilly Edition

Hi lovelies,

I'm a day late, but hopefully not a whole dollar short with this recap.  Blogger has been giving me fits and so you'll have to excuse the formatting issues in this post.  Thank you.

So here he is: 

Sean Lowe, 29

Insurance Agent

Dallas, TX

To recap, we have multiple sequences of Sean and his sweaty muscles. We are reminded of his first "journey", falling for Emily on the last season of The Bachelorette, only to lose The Rose to Ari the race car driver.  There is sadness in the backseat of the limo. Sadness back home at the parent's McMansion. But there's hope. Hopeful shirtless rock climbing. Hopeful sunset walks on the beach. 

And we're back.  Sean is back in the game and lookin puh nuv!  Sean has a random visit from "good friend" Ari from The Bachelorette.  I could recap the conversation with Ari, but I won't because it was boring.  And weird.  Come on, get to the datestants!  Yay! Here comes Chris Harrison to repeat all the information we've just been given: Sean was on the Bachelorette but was heartbroken when Emily did not choose him, yada yada yada.

At last. Trot out the ladies!  Here are some of the standouts.

Desiree is cute and seems to have a sweet personality. Despite working in a Beverley Hills bridal salon seems pretty easy going and funny.  She wears the most stunning dress I have ever seen on anyone in Bachelor History!

You know that first day of summer camp when you meet all your bunkmates and there's this one girl that gives you bad vibes?  You can't put your finger on it, but you know something is just not going to go well with this one?  Like that she might take a pair of scissors to your bathing suits in the middle of the night or something?  Well, that's Tierra.  

  

Obviously, The Bachelor producers hate Robyn.  Either that, or she has no shame about looking like a total goofball.  Not only does she do an extremely goofy dance and make the shape of a heart with her hands (I am so sick of this, and would like you all to stop now, World!) in her intro package, she tries to do some sort of back flip when she comes out of the limo and actually FALLS ON HER FACE.  Oh lawd, it is so awful and hilarious at the same time I actually squealed out loud and had to rewind and watch it once again.  Okay, three more times.  

Ashley P. has no idea why she's still single!  What a mystery we have on our hands!  Her cat seems to hate her and she is obsessed with 50 Shades of Grey. Yuck!

And the Michelle Money Congeniality Award goes to....Kristy! Kristy already knows that the other girls are going to be jealous of her.  You see, Kristy's a model.  Excuse, me--a FORD model. 

Chris is back! Sean rolls up in his limousine, takes in the Glistening Grotto of the Bachelor Mansion.  Chris tells Sean he's the Bachelor.  Thanks, Captain Obvious.  Here come the limos.  We can hear the girls oohing and awwing from inside the limo as they arrive.  Thus starteth The Journey.

The first couple of girls are pretty normal and poised.  No huge gimmicks except for a bright red lipstick kiss on Sean's cheek from cosmetics consultant Jackie.  All of a sudden...bow chick a wah wah!  This sort of rhumba-esque music starts as Selma emerges from the limo.  Is she supposed to be Latin? Or resemble Selma Hayek? Because she looks like neither.

There's a goofy handshake (cue jive music), a goofy country song, and some goofy yoga breathing by a girl with no shoes on.

Oh no...here comes 50 Shades.  She pulls what looks to me like a periwinkle tie out of her cleavage and asks Sean if he can teach her how to use it later.  How to tie a double windsor? Why sure, crazy lady, I'm sure Gloria in Wardrobe would be happy to help you out with that.

Two girls call Sean a hunk.  I didn't know girls still called guys hunks.  The last time I heard that if was my mom in 1991.

Then comes the infamous failed backbend. Sean turns down a formal handshake from Lacey with the lace heart.  Next we have Paige who claims she was on the Bachelor Pad 3 and who I have absolutely no recollection of despite having watched every episode of that show.

Tierra's coming.  She's got a tattoo of the Jane Seymour open heart pendant from Kay Jewelers on her finger.  Ewww! Now Sean has gone inside leaving Tierra standing there alone.  He asks Chris to bend the rules so he can give her a rose now.  I hate it when they bend the rules.  If he gives her a rose, they'll all want to give out roses whenever they want, it'll be anarchy!  Well, I guess he never went to sleepaway camp.  Either that, or he really likes Jane Seymour.

Now we get to see the girls inside react!  "Explain where the rose came from!" they all shriek. The place is lousy with hairy eyeballs and fake smiles.

A girl called Amanda, who has really big teeth and is a fit model--not to be confused with a Ford model--proposes she and Sean have an awkward silent pause to get it out of the way.  Yeah...still awkward.

  

Someone wants Sean to know she drove a really long way to be on The Bachelor.

Desiree's dress is really pretty.  She brought pennies to make a wish in the fountain with Sean.  "She's really cute." he says.  i think so too.

Then we have Sarah with the 1.5 arms and the incredibly deadpan delivery, Brooke who came on a little too strong for my liking, and Lesley who uses a football play to get a close up look at Sean's tight end.

From inside the next limo someone says, "I'm gonna pee my pants right now."  Classy.

Oh it's Ford model, Kristy who comes bearing bad grammar and a catch phase. Oh goody. "I'm bringing you the best from the midwest!"  That's the second time she said that.  I officially don't like her.

Lauren, an Italian girl from Rhode Island lets Sean know that if he breaks her heart her dad will break his legs.  Um.  Good strategy there, Lauren.

Next we have a girl in a wedding dress who promptly plants him one right on the lips, all the while giggling and asking "Who does this? who does this?"  Well, apparently you.  And it seems you also drank too much in the limo.

Oh according to Chris there's one more girl coming. Someone who called specifically to meet him.  She even gets her own limo and special suspenseful music.  Oh, its only Kacie B. from Ben's season.  Well that was anticlimactic.  So, what I want to know is now anyone can just get back on the show? if one girl gets back on the show, they'll all want to come back on.  It'll be anarchy!  Sean seems happy to see her, but also seems to have been expecting something more earth shattering.  He's not exactly doing cartwheels.  Inside, some of the girls recognize her.  They all hope she's just there to give them advice.  No dice, dummies!  One girl wonders if she couldn't make it work on Ben's season, what makes her think it will work this time?  Um, perhaps because Sean's like a totally different person!

As Sean begins to chat with the ladies, it becomes clear that tonight he'll be giving out roses on the fly, as in, WHENEVER HE FEELS LIKE IT! Without waiting for the Rose Ceremony or anything!  OMG! Blasphemer!!!  OK, OK, I've calmed down now.

The adorable Desiree ("My friends call me Dez!" Too cute.) gets the next rose.  Then one by one more girls sashay by with roses.  I can't keep up, but they include klutzy Robyn, Selma, yoga girl, Jackie with the lipstick.

Lindsay is beginning to feel a little anxious about her outfit choice.  She's the one who wore the bridal gown.  She proceeds to humiliate herself further by forcing Sean to dance and demanding kisses.  She is drunk and it's really embarrassing to watch.  Sean: "Okay, well nice talking to you."  Quickest exit ever.  Also drunk?  50 Shades.  She is doing really bizarre crotch-centric dances all over the house.  Sean makes sure to mention he has a rape whistle with him in case things get a little hairy.  He's actually kind of funny.

More roses are dispersed to Sarah and the girls who say "hunk."  One girl has a personal crisis over her inability to interrupt Sean with another girl, but she gets a rose anyway.  There is a short rose ceremony where both models--Fit as well as Ford, Leslie the cheeky bum looker, Kacie B., goofy handshake, and, shockingly, bride-to-be Lindsay.

Who didn't get roses:

Ashley "I'm just a Southern belle, looking for the one, and the kindness of strangers." H., whose southern accent comes and goes. 

The Godfather's Daughter

Some Girl
Paige from Bachelor Pad 3
Solid Gold Barbie
50 Shades who can't wait to use her tie on the next lucky guy (who walks by, I'm assuming). In fact, she's so excited about it, she shows the camera a tattoo on her upper thigh, practically showing her butt.  For some reason it's blurred out, so we can all only speculate on why it may say.  Or try to find out from the inter webs.

TTFN,

Frau S.